ANTI-GRAVITY TRANSPORTATION

So, you’ve always wanted to get about freely and easily, well here’s the answer to your prayers: the Lipscombe-Haigh Anti-Gravity Transportation Device.

The Theory

This simple device is just an amalgamation of several current scientific theories that everyone experiences in normal day-to-day activities. The most obvious of these being the toast theory and the cat theory. That is, that toast will always land butter-side down, and that cats will always land on their feet (actually, this isn’t true of all cats – please be aware of this before constructing your vehicle).

The Machine

Applying these two simple theories will give us an anti-gravity object. To do this, simply tie the buttered toast to the cats back and throw both objects in the air. As both the cat will try to land on its feet and the toast will try to land butter-side down, the two tied together will simply bob above the ground in a struggle for each to land first.

And there you have it, the basis for your vehicle. Depending on your size you will need many more of these. Once you feel you have enough to carry your weight, tie them all together to make one large floating platform.

Propulsion

But, how to propel the platform? For this you will need enough white shirts (preferably expensive) to cover the whole of the platform. Now you are ready for action. Take hold of a squeezy bottle of tomato ketchup and climb aboard. For your first time at the helm it is best to choose somewhere flat and wide while you get used to the controls and behaviour of the vehicle.

Now, simply squirt the ketchup in front in the direction you wish to travel. The white shirts’ natural desire to get into contact with the ketchup will propel the platform in that direction. When you need to turn (or stop), simply squirt the ketchup in either the desired direction or that opposite to the one currently being traveled.

Performance

Having completed and used your anti-gravity transport you may now wish to improve its performance. We have already thought about this and have come up with the optional extras necessary to give it GTi performance. Simply attach ties to the shirts and let them dangle over the sides. Now, when improved performance is required – either greater acceleration or improved cornering - simply use soup instead of ketchup. The same effect between the ties and the soup will occur as with the shirts and ketchup, but with greater force. Again, the more expensive the tie (silk, obviously) the better the performance.

This method of transport has yet to be explored fully, partly due to time and money constraints, and partly due to animal-rights problems. Therefore, if you have any suggestions or improvements we would love to hear from you. Good luck, and happy flying.