Tristans Travels - NEWARK BUSINESS TRIP

But there must be advantages, I here you say. Well, yes, I suppose there is. You don't have to pay for food for a couple of days for starters, you also build good relationships with people you have had little contact with, or would normally only deal with over the phone or e-mail.

Having been given a new role within Dun & Bradstreet as a Global Management Accountant I had to prove my globalness by traveling to the US  and meeting my new boss. Luckily, I had a lovely lady called Elaine to organise the whole trip, and I had a traveling companion in my colleague Wiqar - a thoroughly likeable chap with, I was to discover, a terrible taste in women.

So it was that we were to fly out on the Wednesday afternoon and then back on the Saturday morning. With Elaine's organisation, all we had to do was fall out of bed on the Wednesday and our lives would be completely organised for us until we got back. Therefore, this meant taxis everywhere, and the annoying, polite, small-talk that always accompanies this method of transportation. My driver chirpily informed me that he would be spending the afternoon of this sunny day on the golf course, whereas I would be at 35,000 feet panicking every time there is a slight wobble.

At the airport, Wiqar and I dutifully do our best sheep impressions and join the queue at the check-in desk where we discuss our grand plans for our lives - as I said, business trips can help you get to know people much better. We did our best to get upgrades but to no avail - as it was our first time flying with our company we were to fly cattle-class, in the back, with the chickens, one parachute between five. 

It was at the airport that I realised Wiqar's poor taste in women when he asked what I thought of a complete moose that he pointed out to me at passport control. In his defense, he normally wears glasses. I did, however, have the entertainment of my phone ringing as soon as I put it on the x-ray scanners conveyor belt, and then had to hastily rush through the metal detector to try and answer the call. Not hideously funny, I appreciate, but it amused me at the time.

I can safely say that I have now lost that little 'buzz' of excitement from flying, but I do still enjoy take-off - weeeeeeeeeeee. Once airborne I turned my attention to finding something to pass the time. This was to be my first taste of seat-back entertainment systems, and I must say that they are not bad. Apart from the fact that I couldn't get all of the channels, it did manage to amuse me for a couple of hours, which was nice. However, until they supply me with a bed, a masseur, plenty of snack food, privacy, maybe a gym, and allow me to take my girlfriend for free, I'm always going to find flying long-haul exceptionally tedious. Eight hours is far too long for a six-foot two man to sit in an uncomfortable chair.

However, luckily I was going to America, so I had their immigration procedures to keep me amused for a while. These guys are so obsessed with security and a feeling of self-importance it hurts. As anyone who's travelled to the US will tell you, the questions you have to answer are ridiculous. Allow me to prove my point by showing you question three (the others weren't much better):

'Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were you  involved, in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies?'

I mean, what do they expect you to say - yes? I realise that now I've put this onto the internet and said these things I probably can no longer get into the States without a full cavity-search, hey-ho.

Once finally through passport (mind) control we were met by a very welcoming chap, who was to take us to our hotel. He was from Hong-Kong, had been living in America for 20 years, but still had a great Jackie Chan accent - fantastic. And at last, I would get to ride in a real American car.

It didn't disappoint. Approximately four herds of cattle had been killed to line the interior, I was in a bovine-mobile. I couldn't believe how wide it was either. I mused about playing frisbee in the back, but decided it wasn't terribly professional. I can only assume it had a twenty-litre V8 under the 'hood', and I think the suspension system was off a ship. When we pulled up at traffic lights it would be another thirty seconds before we would stop lolling about. You needed a Stugeron just to clean it.

I was told that the American's would love my accent, so I was mildly surprised when the receptionists at the hotel couldn't understand a word I said. After a very repetitive conversation I finally managed to get the key to my room. This was the usual homogenous hotel room - how do they get them all to look identical? And why do they put a bible in the drawer? Is it in case you realise that there must be a better life than traveling everywhere on business, and the church hope that during this weak moment they can convert you to their way of thinking?

Unfortunately, because America is fairly homogenous, and they export so much of their life to the rest of the world, there was nothing outstanding that I can write about. What I must say, however, is that it is a pleasure to be served by someone polite, who cares about your custom - English restaurants can learn a thing or two here (did I mention that I recently had to wait three hours for my main course at an ASK restaurant - we ASKed, but apparently they couldn't deliver).

So what can I tell you? Well, I can say that the offices are extremely un-social. The cubicles have walls so high that Chris Bonnington is planning some new conquests - how can people put up with this for forty hours a week, not being able to chat to each other? The headquarters of Dun & Bradstreet weren't much better. The corridors were lined with one-person offices, really weird. Very plush, but very gloomy, how these people don't feel utterly face-less I don't know.

I have to say that the trip was almost a complete failure. Nearly everyone that I wanted to meet was either in a conference or had offices that were miles away. The last forty-five minutes that I spent there made up for the whole trip, though - it goes to prove how much more effective we are at communicating when we sit face-to-face. That meeting would have taken at least two weeks over the e-mail - I'm not joking. However, it was during this meeting that I noticed a peculiar American quirk - they have an amazing talent for firing off at a tangent, it's most distracting, you really need your wits about you to keep things on track.

So then it was back to the airport (possibly the dullest in the world - try not to spend any time in Newark airport), and onto to the plane - where amazingly I slept the whole way back, waking only to realise that other people were being served food. I didn't care, I knew that I needed sleep on this overnight flight.

So that was it - a trip to Newark. An unamazing account because it was a fairly unamazing trip. Where to next? - who knows, I just hope it has some culture so that I have something to talk to you about.

Until then..............

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